Motherhood Week 5

Kiernan had his first Christmas. We ended up going to a friend's house for dinner, but weather was definately against us. Fortunately the Suburban was quite capable of getting us through the drifted snow to the house that was only a half mile away. We got him a cute little Noah's ark coin bank for his present this year - not that he'll remember this Christmas anyway. We even had it personalized with "Nathan's Secret Stash" on it. It's the thought that counts though, right?

This week was the one-month checkup for Kiernan. After all the weight issues (see entries for weeks two and three) I have to admit I was a bit nervous about it. It all turned out fine though. Doc was surprised that he was already able to track things. Apparently they are not supposed to do that until 2 months of age. New stats are below:

Height: 22” (75th percentile)
Weight: 10 lbs 2 oz (75th percentile)
Head circumference: 15.25” (50th percentile)

As a side note, I am already down to my pre-pregnancy weight! Woo hoo! I haven't been trying to lose it either. Breastfeeding definately is a help in that area!

Motherhood Week 4

I got the cutest picture of Kiernan smiling. It's no easy task capturing those elusive smiles on film!

Since the first week Kiernan has had issues with gas/colic. We managed to get by thus far with Mylicon infant formula and a few techniques at home, which Beosig fondly refers to as “fart calisthenics”. Being the sucker I am for a good fart joke (go figure huh?) I constantly giggle at that term.

Anyhow, said calisthenics involve peddling Kiernan’s legs as if he were riding a bike or bringing his feet up towards his head as if folding him in half to help the gas move along in his system. We have also tried gripe water, which is a natural herbal remedy containing ginger and fennel – things known to soothe an unhappy stomach. All of this was used with mixed results.

Recently, it was suggested to me by a former coworker that we try going to the chiropractor. So, this week we made an appointment with a chiropractor. Treatment for infants is basically the same as for adults but on a much gentler level. Amazingly, it seems to have made a vast difference. Kiernan is far less fussy than before and seems more comfortable. We are going to continue seeing the chiropractor for the next few weeks and see if it continues to make a difference.

Towards the end of the pregnancy I began to experience some swelling – at times it was severe. Amazingly, this week I was able to wear my wedding ring again! Woo hoo! Maybe I will start to feel the tips of the middle three fingers on my right hand soon too. Those have been numb since the swelling began originally.

Kiernan is a month old this week. It’s hard to believe it was already 4 weeks ago that we brought him into this world to join the family. That also means it is the half way mark on the time I have left at home with him before going back to work. I am so not ready for that.

Motherhood Week 3

Monday was the scheduled weight check for Kiernan. To my delight, we are back up to birth weight of 8 lbs. 2 ozs! As a result we were told we did not need to continue coming in for weight checks. The next one will be at his one-month checkup.

Mom and Dad left on Friday, and none too soon. Mom and I have always butted heads from time to time. That has gotten MUCH better since I became pregnant and the arrival of Kiernan, but it does still happen.

The rest of the week was fairly uneventful except for finishing up the Christmas letters. Not bad considering how busy Kiernan is keeping me and the little bit of extra time that I have. Now to get all the thank yous cranked out too. It never seems to end.

Before Kiernan was born our neighbors and some friends of ours offered to make us some casseroles to eat after coming home so I wouldn’t have to worry about cooking. Our neighbors brought us a full meal – chicken, wild rice, apple salad, chocolate muffins for dessert, very yummy. Our other neighbor across the street brought us some turkey soup, and our friends brought us a couple of casseroles. It goes without saying that we were well cared for.

Mothers of colicky babies who are breastfed have to make a conscious effort to avoid eating foods that will upset baby’s stomach. Well, everything was going well until we dug into one of the casseroles from our friends, a chicken divan dish containing a small amount of broccoli. Boy was that a mistake. Kiernan suffered from that for about 48 hours before it passed through his system. Oh well, live and learn I suppose, right? It sure made for a long couple of days though!

Motherhood Week 2

This week brought Mom and Dad to Colorado to visit and meet their new grandson. They showed up at the house around 8pm on Tuesday. They brought with them a whole suitcase full of baby things like clothes, blankets, etc. Just when I had finished putting all of the more recent gifts away properly – now to start all over again. Sigh. Oh well, I guess I can’t really complain about it since they are gifts. Of course that brings to light even more thank you letters to write, a task that never seems to end these days. Someone needs to figure out how to put more hours in the day so these can get done.

Wednesday we had the second PKU test done for Kiernan. It is routine that one PKU test is done within the first 24-48 hours after birth and another at 8-10 days after birth. As part of this visit to the doctor’s office they checked his weight as well. Babies lose 10% of their body weight during the first week typically. Kiernan had lost a couple of ounces over that 10%. As I found out later, it really was nothing to worry about, but the doctor (not his usual doctor, one of the partners) decided otherwise. She came in and asked that I feed him as much as he would take and then we offer him 2 oz. of formula.

Much to my dismay he took almost the full 2 oz. of formula. The result was a baby that howled in pain during the next 24 hours while the formula worked its way through his system.

I have been against feeding formula to my son since before he was born and yet it is considered the norm in today’s world to do just that. Breastfeeding is proven to be far better than formula can ever hope to be and offers all kinds of benefits that no man-made concoction could ever achieve. Alas, I digress.

The result of the appointment was a referral to a lactation consultant and a follow-up weight check to be sure Kiernan was gaining and not losing weight going forward. Still, I was so upset from the formula feeding that I was flustered for the remainder of the day.

I called our doula for her thoughts and suggestions and then went to a lactation consultant. The lactation consultant offered some suggestions, which I immediately put to use and started seeing the difference in Kiernan right away (babies learn quickly when it comes to feeding). I bought a breast pump to help increase supply as well. The next day, I ran to Vitamin Cottage for some herbs that are known to assist with milk supply for nursing moms just in case. Within a day or so I could tell the combination of things were working. For the weigh in that was scheduled for Friday, Kiernan was expected to gain 1.5 ozs.

Meanwhile, Mom surprises me with the deer-in-the-headlights look when holding Kiernan and he starts fussing. Mom works in a daycare with toddlers – of all people I would have expected her to know how to deal with that, but I guess I was wrong. Dad on the other hand appears to handle fussy babies like a pro, quieting Kiernan down with little to no effort at all. I actually handed Kiernan off to them one morning where he wouldn’t go back to sleep, but I made a valiant effort and persisted until 5:45am first.

Friday finally arrived and Kiernan weighed in at 3 oz. heavier than the last weigh in. We exceeded expectations with how much he gained, however the doctor has asked to see him for another weight check next Monday.

My review of week 2 – this week went much smoother than week 1 since we now know a little better what we are doing and what works and what doesn’t. Having Mom and Dad around helped immensely. The whole weight gain thing was very disconcerting for me but it looks like we are making headway on it, so no reason to be concerned, I guess. Still, nothing can make you feel like a failure at breastfeeding like a doctor telling you that your kid should be weighing more and pushing formula on you. Something interesting to note – doctors are not taught much of anything about breastfeeding and what is normal and what is not as far as the weight gain from it goes.

Motherhood Week 1

I could never have been prepared for how great I would feel on just day two after giving birth. I wasn't really hurting, had no swelling, was tired but coping well. The neighbors commented on it too and how it took them almost a full week to feel good enough to walk around as much as I was - as you might guess these ladies had epidurals.

Today I feel awesome. I even did the dishes and laundry. I seem to have the urge now to shout from the rooftops that my secret is a natural birth and I did it! I am hoping that will go away soon before I offend someone or tell them more than they want to know.

This week has positively flown by. I can't believe the weekend is upon us already. Beosig will be working from home next week and Mom and Dad will be here to visit, and none too soon. I'm actually looking forward to the extra help with Kiernan.

Our first night home was the hardest by far - a claim I am certain most new parents would agree with. Poor little Kiernan had gas so badly it hurt me just listening to it moving through his belly. We tried rubbing his belly and rocking but nothing seemed to work to soothe him. I think I only got about 3 hours sleep total during the night. I let Beosig sleep as much as I could so that he could help out during the day and one of us would be awake enough to deal with it.

Each day after that first night becomes easier as we learn more tricks about what works to soothe Kiernan and what doesn't. It's amazing to me how quickly we are able to adapt these new methods and put them to use. We do still wake up about every 1 to 2 hours for feedings, but that is to be expected. Bouncing on the exercise ball is nothing short of a God send.

My review of week 1 - how do people with multiples (twins, triplets etc.) or single parents do it? It just doesn't seem possible. It's hard work to keep up with the feedings, diaper changes, etc. and still find time for yourself just for basic things like a shower! I must admit I'm glad we only have one. I've already told Beosig if anything were to happen to him I would never forgive him for it.

Welcome Nathan Tyler/Kiernan

Well I knew the day would come, and after much anticipation it has arrived. I had signs leading up to the finale, like cramping all night on the 23rd of November, and while rather gross loss of the mucus plug on the evening of the 24th.

Contractions began at 2am on the 26th. Mildly uncomfortable at first, but quickly increasing in intensity. I got up and sat in a hot bath to alleviate the muscle pain. About 45 minutes later I went to sit on the exercise ball in the living room for a while and woke Beosig about 3:30 to have him begin timing length and frequency of the contractions. Here is his account of what happened:

Kim woke me up at 3 AM today to tell me that she had been in early labor
for an hour, and needed my help getting around. We walked around the
house, laid in bed, tried various positions, and kept each other company
until about 6 AM. That's when we called our Desirre (our doula), and told
her what was going on. She said to go back to bed, and try to get some
rest because we were both going to need it. We laid in bed, and really
didn't get much in the way of rest.

8 AM hit, and the contractions got closer and closer. We called Desirre, and
asked her to come over. She got on the road, and headed our way. While
she was on the way, I took care of all of the animals. When she got
there, she started taking care of things. I was finishing up with the
animals when Kim threw up, but Desirre came to the rescue to clean the
mess. I managed to get a clean shirt on Kim, and about that time Desirre
looked at me and asked me if I had eaten. This was about 9:45 AM, and I
had not eaten even though I had been up for over 6 hours.

She told me to go into town to get some hot food, and I also had to get
some gas, Monster energy drinks, and some cash from the ATM. I did all of
this, and got home about 10:45. As soon as I walked in, Desirre told me
that we were going to the hospital soon. I asked how soon. She said, "now
kind of soon." I asked her if we could leave in 10 minutes. It would take
me at least that long to get my stuff together for the trip.

Fifteen minutes later we were out the door. I still hadn't had a chance
to eat my food, tell anyone what was going on, or anything like that. The
drive to the hospital was uneventful as far as the typical TV show drama
goes. I managed to contact my mom, Kim's dad, Kim's doctor, and a few
other folks on the drive to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital a few minutes after 11:30 to find out that
Kim was fully dilated and ready to go. We got up to a room quickly, and
labor and pushing started almost right away. It was a blur of four hours.
Lots of grunting, groaning, pushing, holding of breath, cheerleading,
massaging, positioning, and monitoring.

Nathan finally came out at 3:44. Things were great, except for the cord
around the neck. The doctor jumped on the problem before I even realized
that it was a problem. Everything worked out, and the doctor's calm and
confident demeanor put me at ease. This allowed me to put Kim at ease,
and things were good.

Next came all sorts of action, and I really wasn't sure what I was
supposed to do next. Desirre nudged me and told me to stick with Nathan,
and she would stick with Kim. I did just that. Nathan was being fussy
because he had swallowed (but not inhaled) some meconium, and they had
to suction it out of his stomach. He didn't like the tubes, suction, and
other handling, but so long as I was there talking to him, he would stay
mostly quiet. I wish I could have recorded what I said because I honestly
don't remember. I just know that I was a proud papa to be looking down on
my son.

Things calmed down after that, and we got to get a little rest before
I started making phone calls to friends, family, etc. The phone calls
were all pretty much the same as this email: vitals, short story, current
status of everyone, and goodbyes so I could make the next call.

Some additional notes from my point of view:

As it turns out I discovered that I am a moaner during labor. It made things very easy to get through and helped Beosig to know when a contraction was starting and tapering off so he knew when to apply pressure and when to ease up without my having to guide him. I also discovered that water is definately the way to go - it made getting through contractions soooo much easier even though I really didn't spend more than a couple hours in the tub total.

When Desirre had me get into the bath to labor for a while my heart began to race. I'd had that happen a week or so prior and while it is a scary experience I simply laid down on my left side at that time and it resumed regular heart rate. This time it kept up. Desirre expressed a small amount of concern over this but did not indicate it was something to be overly worried about so I just kept focusing on getting through the contractions that washed over me.

I found out later that I was in transition at that time, but it really felt no different from the rest of the labor to that point. During our classes we were told repeatedly that transition was the hardest but shortest part of labor. After that experience I have to disagree. For me the hardest part was actually pushing Nathan out. Multiple people tried to explain what muscles to use and what it would feel like, but having it explained to you and doing it are two different things. Thanks to our awesome nurse's and Desirre's queues I was able to figure out which muscles to use to make the most effective progress.

Due to the heart racing (called SVT or Super Ventricular Tachicardia) I was scheduled for an EKG and Echocardiogram and a visit with a cardiologist afterwards. I also had to succumb to internal fetal monitoring which failed miserably as my racing heart overrode any signals from that process as well as the external fetal monitor. Doppler indicated Nathan was fine and it was just my heart with the issue.

About 3 hours into pushing the SVT resolved and suddenly my heart rate dropped back down to normal (118-120 BPM as opposed to 180-220 BPM). I found out later that about the time this happened a friend of Beosig's mom had emailed a prayer for us to her which she later forwarded on to us. I'm not a particularly die-hard religious nut, but the timestamp on the email was more than coincidentally about the same time my heart rate evened out and slowed down. Beosig also told me he was rubbing and fiddling with the charm I carried for 9 months in my pocket that was supposed to protect mother and unborn child. Desirre also said she was praying for us about the same time.

About 2 hours into pushing my contractions became noticably weaker and less frequent and a small dose of pitocin was administered. My contractions picked up considerably and became stronger and closer together shortly afterwards, but I personally attribute most of that to my body kicking back into gear and not so much to the pitocin itself since the dose was so low.

Our birthing class instructor, Jill, had told us to write our birth story and read it every day. I did so religiously for the last month. It amazes me how close some of the things were in it. For instance I said my labor would be 12 hours and it was 14 - not far off from the number at all. I said he would be born at 3pm and he came at 3:44pm. I had the date wrong, but I was probably being overly optimistic about that date anyway, so no big deal.

During my stay at the hospital, the nurses at the birth center at Memorial North couldn't stop commenting on him and how lively and pink he was and how he had no issues latching on to feed. Every time the door was left open a crack I could hear them out there making the same comments over and over. Epidural this and pitocin that and c-section the other thing. It made me beam with pride. All I could think was that's my son they're talking about.

The nurse who discharged us the next day walked with us to the front door of the hospital and said to me she had never had a patient who walked out after 4 hours of pushing.

Overall I have to say I'm extremely satisfied with how things went and if we did it again I'd jump right back on the natural delivery bandwagon. It was definately the hardest but most satisfying thing I've ever done in my life, and I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy to show for it.

Due Date

Well, today is officially my due date and as you might guess, no baby yet. Pretty common with the first I know, but I really want to get this little boy out here and meet him. I know we've shared space for the last 9 months and I can tell he's going to be stubborn just like his dad, (ok, ok and me) but the suspense is killing me. I've learned many of his habits already like the waking up at 5:30 or 6 and that's probably a queue that we'll be doing feedings then; or the hiccups that come ever so frequently; or the ways to calm him to sleep so I too can sleep. What a wonderful invention the Ipod is - just hook up the headphones and put them on the belly, hit play and instant calm ensues. I feel like I know him already and yet we have never met face to face. I often find myself wondering what he looks like - what color his hair is if he has any and which of us his facial features will resemble the most.

In our group of friends that were hit by the "baby boom" I am one of the last two in line to deliver and now it is down to the wire for both of us. Everything is ready - the room is decorated and painted, the bedding put on the crib (and bassinet), the extra stuff assembled or stored away for when it is time, but like I said I want to get this thing moving. Besides, the idea of some time off work sounds wonderful even if it is sleepless nights and diaper changes and feedings and such. Who knew I'd be looking forward to playing the mommy role.

I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the last 3 months, crying at stupid things like Shane Company commercials or certain songs - it just isn't like me. Fortunately that usually happens when I'm alone. I know that won't end immediately but I also know it only stands to improve after delivery.

More recently I've had some issues with swelling in the feet and hands (mostly hands as of late) and some pregnancy induced carpal tunnel symptoms. Definately easy to deal with, but the shoes have been out of the picture for weeks now - no way can I fit into them any longer. I've been working at home for the last week and now am craving other human company.

Our doula keeps reminding me that baby will decide when the right time is, and I know she's right, but I wish I could convince the little guy it's time just the same. The discomfort I've been feeling is now the norm and doesn't bother me anymore, I sleep pretty decently now except for being too hot occasionally and apparently my body's adjusted to the changes - just in time for them to come to an end and start new changes.

The odd part is, I'm not scared, I'm not anxious, I'm not losing sleep over the prospect of birth and the work that comes afterwards. I feel a little nieve (however you spell that) for not feeling that way when I probably should. I've always been a confident person, but wow. I expect if the birth goes the way we've planned, it will be the hardest and most satisfying thing I ever do. I'm certain when I see Nathan for the first time I'll cry harder than him.

Today I was informed by my doctor that I am 60% effaced and almost 1 centimeter dialated. I'll take it - that's 1 cm less that my body has to work to get to when labor finally starts.

The family is already getting antsy and starting to call and see if the kid has come yet. Patience everyone, it will happen. I know my mom and dad in particular are anxious because they will be here in no time to visit and they want to see a grandchild while they are here. I'm certain things won't be that late in coming and if they are, well I'm pretty sure I'm in for an induction. Ick. Work has even hopped on the band wagon and they are wagering bets there as to when things will happen.

Oh well, here's hoping for the best and this baby to decide it's time to join the world of the 3 dimensional people sooner rather than later. Wish me luck!

Snow? I don't see no stinkin' snow!

Our first real snowstorm out here and I am nearly giddy with glee. When I left this morning it was blowing sideways and drifting a bit which is "normal" for our area. I had a few appointments to keep in town but was just keeping my fingers crossed that I would be able to get back home ok.

Usually the Springs doesn't get hammered the way we do and things lighten up the closer you get to town. Not the case this morning. While we were in town it did let up though and the roads actually started to dry out. Of course we discovered on the way back we were to have no such luck here.

While conditions had improved they were still sucky and now there was even more drifted snow on our dirt road to contend with. Lucky for me I was able to stick to the ruts and make it most of the way home. I got stuck at the bottom of our road on the way home, the road was just too icy to get up. So, I hiked it (carefully) to the house.

We bought a new snowblower a month ago and had not tried it out yet. This was our chance! Beosig tried out the new snow thrower on the driveway that was completely drifted over with 1-2 foot drifts and cleared it in 24 minutes! After the sun had come out for a bit he drove me in the suburban down to the car to give it a go again.

Since some snow had drifted over the ice I was able to get enough traction to get up the hill and home.

After last winter and all that mother nature threw at us I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally know we have what it takes to get out should the need arise. What a wonderful feeling to know that unless it gets REALLY bad we can still escape to freedom for a short while if we have to. Yay!

New Job

This week I started the new job. Just getting out of the old place and not working for a weekend was wonderful. I had forgotten how to relax. I had put in 26 hours last weekend (that would be the 30th of June and 1st of July) and about 80 hours last week. Talk about long! I managed to get everything wrapped up at the old place though and handed off. What a sigh of relief!

Monday I started at the new company. It was great to see the old faces and people of before and even better to be welcomed as warmly as I was. It was like going to work with family in a sense. The new digs have a pretty view from the 4th floor of the building too - windows - a lost concept at work for me for the last 9.5 years. I've never had one close to my desk and now I sit right next to two of them. It's wonderful.

Sure, there is some pressure to get the tasks I have set before me completed, but I think I am moving at a decent pace. At least I hope someone would speak up if that wasn't the case. I am half way done with my first project and released that first half to production today. We'll see how well it all pans out tomorrow. I am always hard on myself and feel that I am lagging behind where I should be, but there is a slight learning curve to overcome and it is taking a little extra time for me due to that. I'm finding my groove though, slowly but surely.

Today the other two familiar faces returned from their travels to the corporate office and I got to see them again. Now I'm not the only girl in the office and there's a little more estrogen to mellow out the testosterone. I don't mind being in the minority in my business, it's a fact of life, but still...you get the point.

I got to pick out my office today! That's right, I get an office! The permanent office space isn't quite ready yet, still need to drop data lines and such, but that's minor. We'll be on the first floor of the building adjacent to the temporary space we are in now, but again, I'll get a window. Wow, my own office. Whoever thought that day would be upon me already? I feel like I'm moving up in the world.

Things are definately looking up now and stress doesn't even enter the picture any longer. I can sleep at night again (no more 5 or 5:30 am waking up and not able to go back to sleep) and don't have to work nights. Incredible. I am sure that at one point I will be asked to put in some late evenings which is fine, but in the meantime I'll enjoy my free evenings to relax.

It's a Boy!

Today we finally found out the gender of the baby. I thought I wasn't hung up on one gender over the other, but I think I was already visualizing a girl. The tech told us boy and I instantly start crying. Probably some with relief at knowing but also due to some let down from what I had been imagining. I feel a bit guilty about that, but what can I do?

As the day wears on though, I am getting used to the thought. Beosig is, of course, thrilled beyond belief. Now to find a name for him. No easy task in my mind.

Changes

A couple of months ago, it was announced at work that they were trying to sell us. Since learning this news my heart hasn't been in it any longer. First it was company A and back and forth to the bargaining table. No information was ever given to us freely of how things were going or if they were at a stand still. Next thing we know, company B comes into the picture. Again, no details or information was ever offered as to what was happening and where things were going.

Suddenly, a couple of weeks ago the sale was a done deal. I am feeling a bit of the feelings from when this happened at the company I worked at before. The stubborn feeling of not wanting to change, of not wanting to convert to a new system (or in this case convert someone else to our system), of just generally being uncooperative. I'm having trouble swallowing the thought of going through all this again, especially with the added concern with pregnancy and wrapping things up for maternity leave to begin.

Fast forward to this week... The pressure is on big time to get the first accounts from the new company into our system. Just one thing - there are tons of problems with the data and unanswered questions that need to be resolved first. So, ask a question, wait a day or three for a resolution or answer and back and forth it goes. Meanwhile the push is felt from management and execs on our side and all the while the stress levels are on the rise. Now I am working 12 hours a day and weekends just to keep up with the flow. I am nearing the breaking point and all that is about to become worse before it gets better.

Why? Well, I've just put in my two weeks notice today you see. I can not take the stress any longer - it's time for me to move on. I really had been hoping to make it through to November and take my maternatity leave and be done with it, but things are just too far out of control. I am now afraid if I stay that I'll be assigned to bed rest from high blood pressure for the term of this pregnancy. Not I! I refuse! I must swallow my pride and move on. And so, the race begins to wrap things up, document thoroughly and pass them on to others.

Fun times are ahead with that I am sure, but once I am through it, the stress levels will fall off drastically. I can't wait for it! Wish me luck!

Lose the Attitude

Lately, living with Beosig has been...well, quite the challenge. It is much as it was years ago. Angry all the time, moody, and heaven forbid anyone suggest they don't completely understand everything that was discussed during a conversation, because then the accusations start flying. There's nothing quite like living with someone and having to walk on eggshells all the time.

Last time I confronted him on the issue he took off and ran to the store for a smoke after 6 weeks of going without. I will NOT tolerate that again, so let's just say confrontation is not on the agenda. I did ask what the reason was though, and got something about stress from school and work and fitting everything that needs done into the time available. Well join the freakin' club! You don't see me flying off the handle about it do you?

With a baby on the way, all I can think about is that he needs to GROW UP and learn some way to handle his stress other than taking it out on those around him. It just puts everyone on edge and makes me want to stay as far away from him as possible until things blow over. I do not want our kid to learn that is an acceptable way to handle the need to blow off steam. It's time to learn to set an example and there's no better time to learn that than now.

Isn't it interesting that he frets over getting his homework done for class but then rushes off to his games like it's the end of the world if he misses one. Do I get any priority on that time schedule? Hell no.

I can't tell you the last time we did something together other than ride to/from work and sleep in the same bed. Prior to this attitude change I had been hoping for some time with him, but now I'm having second thoughts...like how I can better spend my one weekend off this month to avoid having contact with him.

Week 12

More sonogram pictures this week. It was pretty cool this time as you can start to see the bones forming now. I saw the spine and you can tell where the jaw bones are at in one of the pictures. Its heartbeat is 167 beats per minute and man does that little bugger move. Flipping over and kicking like nobody's business. I have a feeling that once I can feel movement I won't be getting much sleep for a while. *sigh* Preparation for what's to come I suppose, but still, who can look forward to lost sleep?

I'm anxious to find out the sex so baby won't be "it" anymore but rather he/she. Plus that will make choosing a room color and bedding etc a bit easier. I'm feeling a bit flustered not knowing and yet having to register already for the baby shower that the folks back home want to throw me in a couple weeks. Very frustrating.

Baby's First Picture

Today was amazing. We had our first ultrasound done to determine just how far along I am in this pregnancy. The official verdict is 8.5 weeks. That lines up more with my calculations than what the doctor had told us previously.

We got to see the baby and see and listen to its extremely rapid heart beat. It was very cool. It beat at 162 beats per minute which I am told is normal for something that small. It is about 2 centimeters in length and you can already see the arms and legs in the picture and the start of the eye if you look closely.

I was waiting for this to feel real as I haven't really felt pregnant yet, with no morning sickness or anything. This did the trick. I think it's as real as it's going to be until there is either movement felt or it decides it is time to come out to join us.

Life Changes

Well, I never thought I would see the day, but here I am and it's real. I still can't believe it. For the last week, I've been feeling - off I guess, and while I suspected why I didn't have proof until today. As it turns out, I'm pregnant.

Yes, that's right. Me, the person who wasn't sure about having kids. Well, the decision has been made for me and there's no going back now. It's official. Per the calculations I've made I'm due on November 21st. My body being as unpredictable as it is, I doubt I'll hit that due date, but it's a generalized date anyway.

I woke Beosig up yesterday morning to tell him. He was shocked to say the least. He has already had "the moment", that realization where it hits you what's going to happen. I wish I could say the same. It still doesn't feel real. I feel like I need someone to pinch me so I'll wake up from this dream.

There are so many changes to come that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it all. What awaits I can only guess. But, first thing's first, let's start with the doctor visit next Monday morning and go from there.

Best Cat In Show!!

I'm not sure how many of you know how cat shows work so here's a brief overview. Unlike dog shows where you have one "best in show", cat shows have multiple - one best in show per ring/judge and class (ie. kitten, champion (unaltered) and alter/premier). Cat shows generally consist of anywhere from 4-8 rings per day meaning you could have 12-24 best in shows. Depending on the count, usually the top 10 are recognized in each ring.

Unlike dog shows cats are not paraded around a ring, but instead you wait until your number is called and bring them up to a judging cage around the ring and put your cat in the cage with your number on it. The judge takes each cat out in turn and will sometimes play with them on the judging table but carefully looks them over to see how well they match the standards for their breed. Altered animals are judged against other alters, whole adults are judged against other whole adults and kittens (8 months and younger) are judged against other kittens. No declawing permitted.

This past weekend we went to a one day, six ring show in Alburquerque, New Mexico. I had never been to that show although I had tried and for various reasons couldn't make it in the last 3 years. This year was different, thank goodness. I took Picasso, my 13 month old Ocicat with me. He loves the shows, the attention, and seemingly everything about them. He has earned a fair share of awards and this was his first time out since we achieved the title of Grand Premier on the 20th of January in Loveland.

We began preparation for the trip Thursday night with a bath for him (which he purred through!) and a nail trim, then left late Friday morning. We arrived after an uneventful drive around 4pm and checked into our hotel. Saturday came all too soon and the show began!

Ring/Judge #1 - nothing, no awards. *sigh*
Ring/Judge #2 - 2nd best cat! Wow! Down to the last two ribbons and my heart stopped because I wasn't sure if he was 2nd or 1st, but both are wonderful!
Ring/Judge #3 - 10th best cat! Not as good as the last one, but I'll take it anyway!
Ring/Judge #4 - 4th best cat! Wow! Way to go!
Ring/Judge #5 - 9th best cat! Woo hoo!
Ring/Judge #6 - BEST CAT! I can't put into words how proud that made me. He was a model citizen too - the judge was older (87 I think I heard) and he played with her when she used the teaser and did not struggle against her when she picked him up. I may post pictures later, we will see.

What a great end to a weekend! We have another show to attend in Denver in two weeks. Picasso is up for a regional award in that club so I'm hoping he'll do well in this show to seal the deal.

Sold At Last!!

Since mid-July we have had two homes to worry about. Our old one on the market and the new one we moved into. Not fun during the winter to pay two times the normal amount in heating bills and shovel twice the amount of sidewalks.

Finally, in the last month we received an offer. It was a little lower than I would have liked but we took it anyway. Today, we closed on the sale of our old house! I'm thrilled! No more two mortgage payments per month, no more running by every weekend to check on the house, no more second utility bill.

In some ways I'm sad to see it go. That is where Beosig and I got our start - it was our first house and we spent 8 years there. I remember when we first got it how he was switching jobs and I paniced because he didn't have any income to help pay the first mortgage.

We sure squeezed by for the first couple years, but over time things got easier - much easier - and we started thinking about moving on. There are lots of memories in that house - now someone new can start making their own memories there. I hope they are pleasant ones.

Remembering

Last night a scene from a movie we went to stirred some long-forgotten memories. In the movie one of the main characters gives a friend's kid his dad's lucky fishing hat.

As a child, my family would always go to Flathead Lake for summer vacation. I remember many mornings and afternoons in Grandpa's little boat fishing for koakanee salmon. Yummy. Most days we would bring home our catch and fry them up in a skillet and serve it with some form of potatoes and wine for dinner. After dinner we would walk down to the shore and light a bon-fire that sometimes grew to over 6 feet tall. We would sit around it until well after it got dark chatting about nothing at all, heading back up the hill to the cabin only after everyone was too tired to continue.

Most kids hate getting up early in the morning, especially on vacations, but I was more than willing knowing what awaited us out on the lake. The mornings on the lake were quiet and peaceful, the air was crisp, the wind gently blowing, and eagles soaring overhead. The views were spectacular of course - very little development on the shores at that time.

I recall one day watching an eagle soaring overhead and some seagulls dive bombing at the eagle as he dropped altitude for his catch from the lake. Naturally this pissed the eagle off and he started doing acrobatic moves in the air. It was amazing. He would swoop down out of the air, wait for the gulls to catch up to him and turn over to grab at them. I've never seen anything like it before or since.

Grandpa always wore his lucky hat fishing. He refused to go without it. I can't recall what color it was any longer, but I remember he had various hooks through the canvas and I'm sure he had a story for "the big one that got away" for each of those hooks. He taught me how to fish and often I would bring back my own catch for dinner that evening, even going so far as to gut my own catch. How I miss those days, and spending time with Grandpa.

Free at Last!!!

Since the week before Christmas (I think, I've lost count by now really) we have had a snow storm roll in on Friday each week and snow us in until Sunday or Monday. Weekends? What's that? Social life? Huh? Never heard of it. Or at least it was starting to seem that way.

I've missed more work at the quilt store than I can admit to without shame simply due to this fact. Still, what was I to do? We can't afford a 4x4 right now which is the only possible way to get out when it storms like that. Even then it won't make a difference if it's really bad. The drifts out here are awful with a capital A. Oh we prepared, we made sure to stock the pantry so we have plenty of food but there are always things you forget about - pet food, prescriptions, etc, and once you remember it's too late. Just do the best you can.

You know, it's funny the things you miss when you're prisoner in your own house. Socialization certainly is one of them, but for me it was the ability to go out to eat on Friday night. After being cooped up for a weekend it's actually quite enjoyable to go into the office for work. Enjoy work? I know, I know, but you try it sometime. Cabin fever is the worst.

Surprisingly, each time we were snowed in Beosig and I managed to stay off each other's last nerve - until the last storm that is. Beosig was upset about not being able to go to his game and I suspect he had a bad week, but regardless I ended up taking the brunt of the punishment for that one. The thing to remember is what does getting upset about being snowed in accomplish? Nothing. It just gets you worked up about being stuck in the house which gets you more worked up which turns into an endless cycle. It only makes good sense to try to keep your head and wits about you in these situations, but it's definately not easy.

Fortunately this weekend is turning out a bit different. Yes, we've had snow and a little bit of drifting, but only in small quantities this time thank GOD! I got out of the house on a Saturday! Woo hoo! Yippee! Yay! I couldn't be happier. We even went out to dinner last night (with the help of our friend and his 4 wheel drive Subaru). I feel better already.

Now, I am hoping that next weekend is the same or better as I am hoping to go to Loveland to a cat show. I guess we'll see, right? Knock on some wood for me - I don't want to go crazy being stuck in my own home again!

Addictions

Many people have addictions, most are to things like cigarettes or alcohol. Me? The only addiction per se I have ever had was to tea and that was mild and I overcame it. That said, I will now openly admit I can't relate to a true addiction. I've never suffered the mental and physical effect of one. That brings me to what spurs this entry today.

When Beosig and I were preparing to meet in person for the very first time, he asked me if I had a problem if he smoked. I said no but he told me he would quit for me. I was beside myself. Since then, it has been an on again, off again adventure. Sometimes he would "quit" for a period of time - a week, a month, two years - but he would always end up caving to the cigarette demon.

Recently, Beosig said he would quit in exchange for a guitar. I don't understand the logic there - watching his grandfather die from complications with emphysema didn't convince him, but a guitar did? Go figure. Alas I digress. I was elated with this idea even though the guitar was not my most favorite idea in the world. It's worth a shot just for the chance.

All was going along smoothly until last night. Both of us were on edge at the thought of being stuck in the house yet again over a weekend and one thing led to another and pushed both of us over the edge. Beosig stormed off as he seems to like to do lately instead of facing the situation at hand. I tried to convince him to stay but the last words I heard were "I don't want to be here right now because of you.". Uh, ouch, right? Well, you guessed it, he was off to go buy some more cigarettes and smoke again.

I just don't understand it. I don't think I ever will. Why blow what you've been working on for the last 5 weeks? Needless to say this made me VERY upset and I lost it completely. I was actually so mad I was physically shaking, my heart was pounding and I swear there was a little bit of adrenaline running through my veins as I yelled at him about how stupid his actions were. How I expected something better out of him...other things that escape my mind.

I don't yell much - I hate my voice like that. Besides, when I get that upset I lose my words before they get to my mouth. I tend to forget the speech I have composed and read over and over in my mind. Still, it surprised me that he stood there on the stairs looking right into my eyes and took it without question, and without rebuttals as if he knew he had it coming and it was the price he had to pay. I don't know if I made a difference, and I doubt I did, but I felt a little bit better.

There is an episode of Friends where Chandler starts smoking again and nothing his friends tell him convinces him to quit. Then one day at the coffee house the boyfriend of one of the friends speaks to him on the phone and he says how he never thought about it that way, snuffs out the cigarette and presumably never lights up again. What I wouldn't give to know what was said on the other end of that phone - the money I would pay for that one statement. *sigh*