And The Winner Is...

Ok well I was hopeful, but no, the winner of the photo contest was not me. I didn't even place. I'm ok with that though. However, I'm a little upset about the winning photo. This is a Balloon Classic - it's all about hot air balloons. Would you like to take a guess what the winner's photo was of? No, not hot air balloons, not even remotely. It was a photo of a dandilion gone to seed. WTF?!?!

No, I'm not a sore loser. I am a little pretty upset that the winner had nothing whatsoever to do with the subject matter at hand. Seems rigged to me. I entered a local contest hoping for fewer entries and better odds and that is what they pick? The rest of the winning photos I can see, but that one just ticks me off. If anyone sees why that was the winning photo and understands what the relation is to the subject of hot air balloons, please share because clearly I'm missing it.

Check it out for yourself here.

I'm not discouraged and I will enter again in the future, but I think next year I'll be attending the balloon glo as well. For those not familiar this is an evening event where the balloons are all secured to the ground but they are inflated and they fire up the flames to cast a glow. It is rumored to be spectacular at night and hard for many to photograph as point & shoots don't do so well in low light. Maybe next year they'll have better judges. A dandilion...give me a freakin' break already.

Under My Skin

Recently, a friend posted a link on Facebook about the ever-increasing cost of daycare. It stated average cost paid for full time daycare is over $13,000 annually. So I posted a reply. I mentioned how much we paid for Kiernan to attend daycare as an infant and that it was over that average and how it was and still is difficult for us to manage this monthly expense, but it is not an option to drop to one income in our family.

The response I got was normal about how underpaid daycare workers are, and I do agree with that, and how society "does not value children". The post following that one said, "if our society valued children there would be no daycares". That one got under my skin in all kinds of ways.

Yes in a utopia kind of environment this would absolutely be true. However, this person can't know everyone's situation. Sometimes this is simply NOT POSSIBLE. What about a single parent home? If they have no trusted family nearby to care for their child then how would they buy food and shelter without working and putting their child in daycare? Let me answer that one, they wouldn't. I guarantee any child support they get, if any, wouldn't pay for it unless the negligent parent was rolling in money. They'd have to sit at home and live off the system. I think you get my point without having to travel this path further.

As most (every?) parent has, we too have made many sacrifices in the name of our child. We may have hesitated on more than one occasion but damit, we did what was necessary at the time. Just because we are a two-income family does not mean we value our child any less than someone who is a one-income family. He is the light of my  life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Putting our son in daycare was a very tough decision. I had hesitations at first but have grown more comfortable with it over the years.

Sure, I could give up our house, the dreams it represents, and my car and stay at home, but everyone needs to have dreams to keep them going day after day. I refuse to live in poverty in order to support a child. He deserves better than that. I want him to know the things that were out of reach for me as a child. I want him to know that it takes a lot of work on everyone's part to earn the material items that he may take for granted today, but hopefully won't take for granted years from now. Let's not forget the student loans that I am STILL paying on. I'm supposed to give up my career path after all that work to get that magical piece of paper that isn't even paid for yet? Ya right. 

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I am a member of an internet community of moms. I joined because I was able to search various topics and read previous discussions, post questions and get answers if I needed them, and otherwise educate and reaffirm that others are out there like me that have the same thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we all need affirmation.

I often would read my emails from this list and browse the various questions. Often I would post answers to questions or suggestions, or simply just lurk on that thread to see what the responses were. I say all that in past tense because one person has ruined it for me. I no longer join in conversations or read the daily emails. I've lost my desire to care what I could suggest or offer to help others. All because of one single, narrow-minded person.

A woman posted one day about breastfeeding. I have been there, done that so I read on. She goes on to say how she doesn't understand how moms can bring themselves to breastfeed past 6-8 months of age when she feels that the child should be weaning by then. She posts her comment in such a way as to accuse others that if they don't do as she does that they are obviously wrong and how could you think otherwise.Tells how her son is independent and she is proud and that even though she is expecting again she will do things the same way. Good for her. Really, I mean that. But that doesn't mean that method is right for everyone. Here is her post. Is it just me or is she totally snooty about it? I can almost see her looking down her nose at everyone who disagrees with her, with every word she writes. Her tone is accusatory.

I've been reading some of the stories out there and I rather not respond because I want to stay respectful and not offend other mothers out there. I have decided to ask my own question because this very thing makes my mouth drop and baffles me. Why do mothers nurse their children/babies/pre-todds well after 6-8 months and even after 12 months. To me that can create bad dependancy issues. A child with teeth and walking, let alone potty trained and on table food, that seems a little much to still be nursing. Why is a child still on the breast?! My son is 17 months I stopped nursing round 7 months, I tried back at 8 months but he bit me and it wasn't enough for him anyway. My son has always slept well through the night. There is no way my little boy is going to walk up, sit on my lap drink from my breast. I am pregnant again with my second child and this child will be done the same way, with me stopping on the nursing at 7 months or so. I have a healthy independent boy and I am proud!

I tried to be the bigger person here and not fall down to her level. I responded to her post in a very nice way even though she was rude and obnoxious and deserved every nasty comment I could muster at her. I even posted a link to her post on Facebook and asked all my other friends who are moms to respond. I felt she was/is uneducated and that was fueling her rude post.

This was my response:

Try to realize what is right for you is not right for everyone. We are all individuals and all entitled to our own opinions. Some decide to feed with formula, some breastfeed for short periods, and others decide it is better to breastfeed longer. I used to be of the same opinion you are until I had my first child and was wearing those shoes. Sometimes a change of perspective is all it takes.

There is scientific proof of benefits of breastfeeding longer. Benefits are for both mother and child. Google it, it's out there.

As for teeth, there does come a point in the breastfeeding relationship where that becomes an issue. Babies learn quickly not to bite or they will have to give up the breast. Other people decide to pump out of fear of being bitten.

Some enjoy the attachment breastfeeding brings, and speaking personally it is hard to give it up after a mere 6 months. Breastfeeding longer than 6-8 months does not create a more dependent child than one who is weaned earlier on. My 2 year old son (who yes, in case you were wondering is weaned now) is proof of that fact. He is more independent than most other children his age.

I'm happy things worked out for you so well but again, your decision is yours and yours alone. Please realize that simply because others choose otherwise does not make them wrong.

Every day I go to look at the emails from my list and I hesitate to read them. I half expect other people out there to be as rude as her now (although she has been the only one I have seen to date). I find myself reading other stories from other moms and just feeling that I just don't care. Yes, I might have answers, but I don't feel the need to share anymore. The drive is gone. The desire to participate, gone.

It makes me so damn ANGRY that one woman could ruin this for me, and yet she has. It makes me even more upset that I let it upset me so much. I don't dwell on it but I am reminded of it every time I check my inbox and see the emails from that list. I took a break from it, and yet my feelings of animocity and apathy and such have not receeded at all. I'm starting to doubt they ever will. Was I wrong about this woman? Did I read more into her post than was intended? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Do I just need to get over myself?

Missing My Creativity

Before Kiernan entered our lives, I was a creative, crafty sort of person. After he arrived, I expected to give up some of the things I did. Well now the reality of that has hit home.

Yes, I miss the time I once had to do crafty things. It was my outlet. My way to make everything right with the world again. It seems those days have been left behind.

I miss the quilting, the cross-stitching, the general crafty ideas and items. I think often of ways to work it into the day, but honestly, where does it fit into the schedule? During Kiernan's naptime? On weekends? After he goes to bed?

All fine ideas. Yet each of those times comes and goes and I find myself doing other things that I feel need my attention more. Cleaning, laundry, bill paying, Christmas cards, email, blogging. Sure, I know some of these things can wait, and yet there is only so much time to get certain things done. Others such as cleaning for example, if I put it off it drives me quite insane. I will eventually feel like a slob living in my own filth. Although I am certain it is really nowhere near as bad as I elude myself into thinking it is.

I love Kiernan with all my heart, but I really do miss having an open weekend to do as I please and not have to entertain a toddler. A bit selfish of me I think, and yet there it is. Out in the open for all to read. How do other mom's do it? How does one achieve a perfect balance in life between motherhood, work, housework, and me time?

I have so many ideas for crafty things I would like to do. I have quilts and fabric for them coming out my ears, yet no time to put them together. I would like to create a custom scrapbook kind of thing for Kiernan, and yet I have had little time to do so much as research who has layouts I like, ease of use and cost going for them on their sites.

I have managed to find time to read at least one book per month, to take long bubbly baths again (with the occasional "hi mommy" interruption), and to get out each weekend alone if only for a couple of hours and a run to the store. It is more for sanity than anything. To collect my thoughts and gather my wits.

Beosig doesn't know how well he has it made with his Saturday game nights. The more I think about it, the more I think I am jealous. Where is my Saturday game night?

H1N1 and Being a Responsible Parent

With H1N1 plastered all over the news lately, it is impossible to ignore. The media has done a spectacular job of hyping up the fear in this ailment for everyone. Questions abound from everyone at the slightest sniffle, cough or sneeze. It's getting old and the real season for the H1N1 and flu is not even upon us yet!

As a parent of a toddler in daycare, I have already seen a sign announcing the first case of H1N1 in the daycare center. So far just that one though. The daycare took precautions to post special rules for those who are infected, and hopefully they follow those rules to keep things under control there. Still, I half expect to see a small outbreak there too before the winter is over. In the meantime, we take precautions, keeping the kiddo at home if he has a fever or cold, and being nearly obsessive about washing hands.

Yesterday, a coworker's wife and daughter dropped by the office. I later found out that same daughter has H1N1 (has, not past tense of had) and yet she was out and about. This coworker got sideways glances from everyone but quickly stated, "it's just another form of flu". True enough, but I was, and still am rather upset by the fact that they had the gall to come by the office when she is still sick!

I did not cause a scene or say anything, but I wanted to scream, what in the hell are you doing out of the house? I believe if you have an illness that is known to be rather contagious, it is your responsibility as a parent to KEEP YOUR CHILD HOME until they are well. Am I crazy? Is that too much to ask?

As it turns out the three of them are going to a large public event tonight and I cannot help but wonder how many unsuspecting people they will expose. The defense for this is that they purchased tickets well in advance and don't want to see them go to waste. I say find a babysitter who can watch your sick child and go, don't expose hundreds or thousands of people for a few short hours of enjoyment.

Baby Sign Language

A number of parents seem to like to teach their kids baby sign language, including some I am friends with. They brag endlessly about how many signs their kid knows and may as well be paid for advertising various companies that promote baby sign language. I've grown tired of it. I've done my research and decided against teaching it, so obviously I disagree with that approach.

Any search about this subject on the internet reveals that kids who learn sign language tend to be delayed in learning to speak. Sure, before kids are able to grasp complete control of the ability to move their tongue in various ways to make sounds it makes sense to teach them this skill. Although really, by the time they are able to make signs without issue, they are also old enough to start speaking. Yet, why learn to speak if you can "talk" with your hands? I wouldn't be so set against it if it was ASL (American Sign Language) which is universally understood, but no, there are special signs that are used instead.

Am I missing something here? What is the benefit over learning to talk? Maybe there is a really good reason to do this, but I'm sure not seeing it. My kid will be speaking in sentences and paragraphs long before our friend's kids are able to say 50 words. This leads me to my next theory.

Everyone talks about the terrible twos and more and more parents are now talking about how three is worse than two. I often wonder though, is part of the reason we are hearing more about how terrible the age of three is related to the delay in speech from teaching children sign language? Being a first time parent of a child who is not yet even 2, I can only speculate, but here is my theory.

A large part of the reason that children of 2 (or 3) are hard to manage is because they are unable to express their desires to us. They are still mastering their language skills and learning their boundaries and the expectations we have of them.

My theory is that by teaching our kids to speak instead of this so-called sign language the effects of the "terrible twos" (or threes) will be reduced. Their language skills will be mastered sooner if they have less to learn about how to express themselves. I also believe that many of the "terrible two" issues arise from the fact that parents decide to have multiple children and usually within 2-3 years of each other. This steals the focus of the parent away from the older child and in order to gain more attention they act out and push the boundaries.

I'm no specialist in this area, but common sense tells me this. I anxiously await for Kiernan to hit this magical age and see if we have the issues that I hear about so often. Maybe I could apply for a government grant to study this and poll people about whether their child was worse at age two or age three, if they taught this child baby sign language, and if they had a second child about that same time. Then I could publish the results that "terrible twos" (or threes) really exist. LOL!

Overwhelmed by Debt

As some of our closer friends are aware, last year was a tough year for us. Lots of medical expenses and emergencies meant lots of expenses compounded. By the time the end of the year came our only hope to get out of the mess we were in was a large tax return.

Unfortunately that large tax return didn't pan out as anticipated. Thank you Uncle Sam. Am I bitter? You betcha! Convoluted and poorly worded tax rules caused confusion. In the end due to misinterpretation on my part, we only received half of the amount I expected in our return. Ouch!

Jump forward to April this year. By this time I had discovered we were spending more than we were bringing home from work just to make ends meet. Any savings we had were nearly wiped out. In a desperate attempt to stay afloat I ran to my parents for assistance. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't asking for them to rescue us from our situation as I just have too much pride for that. I was simply asking for a little assistance to get things caught up and help tide us over for a while. They agreed, thank God.

Prior to that, I did my homework and looked into a debt management program to get things paid off. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that concept, basically it consists of closing credit accounts and committing to a monthly payment plan to pay them off in a designated amount of time. The company who initiates the debt management program works with the creditors to get your interest rates reduced and they work with you to determine a payment plan that works for your budget.

I was sure once we started down this path things would be immensely less stressful. Boy was I wrong! It's almost more stressful now. When the payment plan was set up and a budget was ironed out I determined we didn't have much after bills were paid for extra expenses (groceries etc.). Is it survivable? Sure, but it leaves almost no room for extras. We have to hope everyone stays healthy and no unexpected things come up.

Debt management is a roller coaster ride in and of itself. I think so far the worst part has been waiting on the creditors to accept the terms of the program. Our future hinges on it. Second worst part has to be discovering that our "emergency fund" credit card was canceled due to the fact that we enrolled in a debt management program. So let's see, I'm taking responsibility for my financial future but they're going to punish us for it by taking the rug out from under us. Well crap. What do we do if we fall on our asses now?

Each day that goes by I try with a great amount of effort to see the positive side of all of this. We'll be debt free when we come out of this. There will be no mark on our credit report when we're done. Problem is, that nagging thought of, "How do we get from point A to point B?" keeps creeping up on me.

Some days (like today) the negative gets the better of me and I turn bitter towards the rest of the world. That just isn't me, but I find myself wishing terrible things for other people. I want to shout from the rooftops "I told you so!" about Obama and his pork barrel spending. Sure having the first black president is a huge historical event and I'm glad we as a country have the ability to see past color for positions of leadership. However, it sure seems like there are a lot of empty promises that he has yet to deliver on. What about a bailout for the little people? The average Joe? I'm not savvy on all the political "stuff" but how are we paying for all of these things? Maybe I'm looking for empathy from those who can make a difference, I don't know.

I'm bitter because at the end of the day I'm upper middle class and don't qualify for things lower middle class people do. I make too much money. Who cares if I have nothing at the end of the day to my name, what I bring home disqualifies me. I have to grin and bear it. It's always been that way, and thanks to the way the government works, it will stay that way forever. Unless you win some huge lottery or inherit some huge estate or come up with some great business plan and enact it (ie. Google, FedEx, Yahoo) you are doomed to be born into and die in the same class.

All I can say is on days like today I thank God for Kiernan. He is the only thing that keeps my head on my shoulders and keeps me sane. Even on the worst of days he has a wonderful habit of making me happy. Who can be anything but happy around a toddler with his sense of humor and constant smile?

Here's hoping tomorrow brings me a better mood and less negativity so I can see things for what they are. I like to think there is a small light at the end of the tunnel.

Snow? I don't see no stinkin' snow!

Our first real snowstorm out here and I am nearly giddy with glee. When I left this morning it was blowing sideways and drifting a bit which is "normal" for our area. I had a few appointments to keep in town but was just keeping my fingers crossed that I would be able to get back home ok.

Usually the Springs doesn't get hammered the way we do and things lighten up the closer you get to town. Not the case this morning. While we were in town it did let up though and the roads actually started to dry out. Of course we discovered on the way back we were to have no such luck here.

While conditions had improved they were still sucky and now there was even more drifted snow on our dirt road to contend with. Lucky for me I was able to stick to the ruts and make it most of the way home. I got stuck at the bottom of our road on the way home, the road was just too icy to get up. So, I hiked it (carefully) to the house.

We bought a new snowblower a month ago and had not tried it out yet. This was our chance! Beosig tried out the new snow thrower on the driveway that was completely drifted over with 1-2 foot drifts and cleared it in 24 minutes! After the sun had come out for a bit he drove me in the suburban down to the car to give it a go again.

Since some snow had drifted over the ice I was able to get enough traction to get up the hill and home.

After last winter and all that mother nature threw at us I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally know we have what it takes to get out should the need arise. What a wonderful feeling to know that unless it gets REALLY bad we can still escape to freedom for a short while if we have to. Yay!

Lose the Attitude

Lately, living with Beosig has been...well, quite the challenge. It is much as it was years ago. Angry all the time, moody, and heaven forbid anyone suggest they don't completely understand everything that was discussed during a conversation, because then the accusations start flying. There's nothing quite like living with someone and having to walk on eggshells all the time.

Last time I confronted him on the issue he took off and ran to the store for a smoke after 6 weeks of going without. I will NOT tolerate that again, so let's just say confrontation is not on the agenda. I did ask what the reason was though, and got something about stress from school and work and fitting everything that needs done into the time available. Well join the freakin' club! You don't see me flying off the handle about it do you?

With a baby on the way, all I can think about is that he needs to GROW UP and learn some way to handle his stress other than taking it out on those around him. It just puts everyone on edge and makes me want to stay as far away from him as possible until things blow over. I do not want our kid to learn that is an acceptable way to handle the need to blow off steam. It's time to learn to set an example and there's no better time to learn that than now.

Isn't it interesting that he frets over getting his homework done for class but then rushes off to his games like it's the end of the world if he misses one. Do I get any priority on that time schedule? Hell no.

I can't tell you the last time we did something together other than ride to/from work and sleep in the same bed. Prior to this attitude change I had been hoping for some time with him, but now I'm having second thoughts...like how I can better spend my one weekend off this month to avoid having contact with him.

Addictions

Many people have addictions, most are to things like cigarettes or alcohol. Me? The only addiction per se I have ever had was to tea and that was mild and I overcame it. That said, I will now openly admit I can't relate to a true addiction. I've never suffered the mental and physical effect of one. That brings me to what spurs this entry today.

When Beosig and I were preparing to meet in person for the very first time, he asked me if I had a problem if he smoked. I said no but he told me he would quit for me. I was beside myself. Since then, it has been an on again, off again adventure. Sometimes he would "quit" for a period of time - a week, a month, two years - but he would always end up caving to the cigarette demon.

Recently, Beosig said he would quit in exchange for a guitar. I don't understand the logic there - watching his grandfather die from complications with emphysema didn't convince him, but a guitar did? Go figure. Alas I digress. I was elated with this idea even though the guitar was not my most favorite idea in the world. It's worth a shot just for the chance.

All was going along smoothly until last night. Both of us were on edge at the thought of being stuck in the house yet again over a weekend and one thing led to another and pushed both of us over the edge. Beosig stormed off as he seems to like to do lately instead of facing the situation at hand. I tried to convince him to stay but the last words I heard were "I don't want to be here right now because of you.". Uh, ouch, right? Well, you guessed it, he was off to go buy some more cigarettes and smoke again.

I just don't understand it. I don't think I ever will. Why blow what you've been working on for the last 5 weeks? Needless to say this made me VERY upset and I lost it completely. I was actually so mad I was physically shaking, my heart was pounding and I swear there was a little bit of adrenaline running through my veins as I yelled at him about how stupid his actions were. How I expected something better out of him...other things that escape my mind.

I don't yell much - I hate my voice like that. Besides, when I get that upset I lose my words before they get to my mouth. I tend to forget the speech I have composed and read over and over in my mind. Still, it surprised me that he stood there on the stairs looking right into my eyes and took it without question, and without rebuttals as if he knew he had it coming and it was the price he had to pay. I don't know if I made a difference, and I doubt I did, but I felt a little bit better.

There is an episode of Friends where Chandler starts smoking again and nothing his friends tell him convinces him to quit. Then one day at the coffee house the boyfriend of one of the friends speaks to him on the phone and he says how he never thought about it that way, snuffs out the cigarette and presumably never lights up again. What I wouldn't give to know what was said on the other end of that phone - the money I would pay for that one statement. *sigh*

Now That's What I Call Justice

This morning on the way to work some idiot in a white Dodge pickup went racing by us like we were standing still. I shrugged it off knowing full well most of the time folks like that get away with their speeding and don't get caught.

About 10 miles down the road, what do you know...he was pulled over by one of our state patrol. Go CSP! I couldn't help but laugh out loud at his demise.

Frustrations

I've been working for the last few weeks on a quilt called a September Sun. The pattern is awesome but a little more complex than anything I have completed in the past. I am on a deadline to get this done so the quilter I have asked to finish it can have it.

This pattern has been very frustrating. Once I take the time to ask and learn the techniques that are proven to work for the issue at hand it goes smoothly again until I hit upon another area where I need help. The quilt has been like that from the start.

Most recently I am finishing up one of the final blocks for the quilt and hit upon yet another road block. This time it sounds like my block has come out too big even though I followed the instructions and used the templates for it.

Being this close to done is hugely frustrating to me. The thought of having to tear apart that block and start over is nothing short of heart breaking. I'm not sure I can bear it. Alas I will have to wait until Saturday to find out if it is really a problem or not.

Keep your fingers crossed! I would like to get this thing sewn together and borders started this weekend but that won't happen if I have to tear it all apart and redo it.

Fear of the Unknown

Sadly, I find myself disappointed in humanity today. Today was voting day and one of the issues on the ballot was to grant recognition to domestic partnerships for gay folks. Another was to add an ammendment to the constition that marriage is only between "one man and one woman".

I will state for the record I am not gay, but I have always felt passionately about issues around the gay population. I have gay friends, a number of them in fact, so that may influence me some, but not much as I felt this way before I met them.

One of the biggest problems I have with Colorado Springs is Focus on the Family (or Poke Us In The Fanny as Beosig likes to call it) is the influence they have over the general population. One of the things Focus on the Family has pushed (and hard!) is how gay people don't deserve any recognition, voice, or other rights granted to all humans on the face of this earth. Unfortunately you can see this view echoed in the general population in Colorado Springs, and I truely feel a large part of the reason for that is that people are afraid of standing up to Focus on the Family. I on the other hand have always said I'd like to work for them and corrupt them from the inside out. How fun!

Pardon me, but aren't gay people human too? Am I wrong? Being gay is NOT contagious, there is no reason to discriminate against them. I think maybe the reason I feel so strongly about this is because it rings of the same battle that women went through (and are still fighting) to be seen as equals in the world. How is it different when the subject is about sexual preference rather than gender? Same battle, years later.

Just now I am hearing that the two issues that would help gay folk out have been shot down. What are we afraid of people? I am sorely disappointed in the fact that people just can't seem to open their eyes and see the big picture. Grow a backbone for heaven's sake! We can't keep sweeping this under a rug like it never happened. Eventually it will get out and we'll have to deal with it. I'm opting for sooner rather than later.

I could dedicate pages upon pages to my point of view on sexual preferences and discrimination but I will save my breath for now. Perhaps another time.