The Bed Delimma

I have lost my sense of self! I have no idea where I end any longer and Kiernan begins. How? Let me tell you how.

Recently, Kiernan has developed the habit of waking in the middle of the night. Now that he is older, and no longer sleeping in a crib, that means he will get out of bed and come to our bed. I know there are mixed feelings out there about the family bed. I will say right now I am not a big proponent of it once the child is beyond infancy. There's a good reason for that though.

Kiernan is a bed hog. One would not think that a small 2 1/2 year old could possibly take up much room in a king sized bed, but I cannot begin to express how incorrect this opinion is! That boy could take up the entire bed himself if given half a chance. Forget the fact there are already two adult people in it, he has his ways of manipulating us, even in his sleep so that he can consume as much of the bed as he desires.

Often times Beosig will complain that Kiernan kicked him in the family jewels during the night, sometimes multiple times, in the midst of his thrashing about. The kid will kick covers the off, no need to sit up and pull them back when you flail your limbs about half-hazardly the covers magically disappear. As a side effect of the aforementioned action, a nice gap in the bed is provided as none of the nearby adults care to be within kicking range of those little feet! Kiernan will make the most of this new gap and turn as sideways as possible to fill it. If he feels cramped, repeat said kicking motion at whatever is in the way. Kidneys, ribs, face, it's all good!

Another drawback to sharing our bed with Kiernan is that he loves to play with my hair. ALL. THE. TIME. It is amazing that I am not bald by now as much as he pulls on it at night or runs his fingers through it. Granted, I did not discourage it when he began this obsession with my hair as an infant. At the time it was cute, almost soothing for both himself and me as he nursed. Looking back I almost wish I had discouraged it then, as it wouldn't be an issue now. This kid will play with my hair while he is falling asleep and even while he is asleep. It drives me insane!

We decided to go buy Kiernan a "big boy bed" in the hopes that having a more comfortable bed to sleep in would make a difference. It's bought us another 2-3 hours a night is all. I guess that's closer to the ideal time, but still not perfect. We've tried turning the ceiling fan in his room on thinking it was too hot, we've tried leaving it off thinking he got too cold. We've tried turning on a nightlight thinking he got scared because his room is rearranged and it's dark, we've tried leaving said nightlight off. We've even taken turns going downstairs when he wakes to lay down with him until he goes back to sleep, sometimes falling asleep ourselves. All this to no avail. He seems unable, or unwilling, to tell us what is waking him up at night and without knowing that we can only guess. My latest guess is that he is going through another growth spurt or that he simply gets lonely at night. Although we did put the largest stuffed animal he has - Sully from Monsters Inc. - in bed with him to see if that helped, but no luck.

It used to be that Kiernan would sleep through the night, every night. Unless he was sick, which is an acceptable excuse. Now, he sleeps a few hours in his bed then comes upstairs to join us. I feel as if I have no time alone to recover from the clingyness of this child. I actually went and slept in the guest room one night to have some time to myself. I think it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Is it sad that I want to go away for a weekend just to not have bodily contact all night long with my own child? That's where I'm at...on the way to insanity!

Under My Skin

Recently, a friend posted a link on Facebook about the ever-increasing cost of daycare. It stated average cost paid for full time daycare is over $13,000 annually. So I posted a reply. I mentioned how much we paid for Kiernan to attend daycare as an infant and that it was over that average and how it was and still is difficult for us to manage this monthly expense, but it is not an option to drop to one income in our family.

The response I got was normal about how underpaid daycare workers are, and I do agree with that, and how society "does not value children". The post following that one said, "if our society valued children there would be no daycares". That one got under my skin in all kinds of ways.

Yes in a utopia kind of environment this would absolutely be true. However, this person can't know everyone's situation. Sometimes this is simply NOT POSSIBLE. What about a single parent home? If they have no trusted family nearby to care for their child then how would they buy food and shelter without working and putting their child in daycare? Let me answer that one, they wouldn't. I guarantee any child support they get, if any, wouldn't pay for it unless the negligent parent was rolling in money. They'd have to sit at home and live off the system. I think you get my point without having to travel this path further.

As most (every?) parent has, we too have made many sacrifices in the name of our child. We may have hesitated on more than one occasion but damit, we did what was necessary at the time. Just because we are a two-income family does not mean we value our child any less than someone who is a one-income family. He is the light of my  life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Putting our son in daycare was a very tough decision. I had hesitations at first but have grown more comfortable with it over the years.

Sure, I could give up our house, the dreams it represents, and my car and stay at home, but everyone needs to have dreams to keep them going day after day. I refuse to live in poverty in order to support a child. He deserves better than that. I want him to know the things that were out of reach for me as a child. I want him to know that it takes a lot of work on everyone's part to earn the material items that he may take for granted today, but hopefully won't take for granted years from now. Let's not forget the student loans that I am STILL paying on. I'm supposed to give up my career path after all that work to get that magical piece of paper that isn't even paid for yet? Ya right. 

Time

Years ago, I remember I used to make fun of my Grandma, and how she would always comment about how quickly time flies. As a child, time drags its feet eternally it seems. Each day, week, month, seems like double that amount. Frequently finding one's self saying, "I'm bored! There's nothing to do!", is a common place thing. Well no more do I think my grandmother was crazy. I can relate!

I wish I could go back to those days. Not to being a child again, but to where time stops flying by. A mere month ago I wrote how I would have photos to show for the exhibition night this month, but now I wonder if I will even have time to make a selection, let alone do any editing. There has simply been NO time! Work, cooking meals, entertaining a two and a half year old, and then flopping into bed in sheer exhaustion seems to be par for the course this month. Toss in a handful of hours spent tending to the mowing, weed eating, caring for a friend's animals while she is out of town, and a few late nights of work, and that has consumed my month.

I will try to at least select 5 or 6 shots tonight for exhibition night, but I am holding my hopes exceedingly low. Why? So that I don't feel so bad if it just doesn't happen. I have been mulling this choice over in my head for a week and I can think of at least 3 to take with me from my hike from Castlewood Canyon a few weeks back. Still need a couple more.

Over the last few months I have discovered certain things I like to photograph range from the simple, close-up wildflower shot, to dead, scraggly old trees to cloud formations. In particular I have a strong draw to the beautiful storm cloud formations that appear before big, nasty, thundstorms move in. The clouds fascinate me. The power they hold within, the beauty as they build higher and higher into the sky and the light reflects off the sides of them. I can't even put into words the beauty I find in them when they are lit up by lightning from within. Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous. There is a photographer whose name escapes me right now, but who spends his career taking shots of lightning. I want to walk in those shoes one day. To have some of the shots he has taken and claim them for my very own. I will do it, you just watch!

Don't even get me started on the scraggly old, dead trees. Why I am attracted to them I don't really know. Somehow I find beauty in their death. The circle of life kind of thing I guess. Maybe it is because it reminds me how quickly time is passing me by and how I have all these things I want to do before time runs out. That's more likely now that I think on it...