Addictions

Many people have addictions, most are to things like cigarettes or alcohol. Me? The only addiction per se I have ever had was to tea and that was mild and I overcame it. That said, I will now openly admit I can't relate to a true addiction. I've never suffered the mental and physical effect of one. That brings me to what spurs this entry today.

When Beosig and I were preparing to meet in person for the very first time, he asked me if I had a problem if he smoked. I said no but he told me he would quit for me. I was beside myself. Since then, it has been an on again, off again adventure. Sometimes he would "quit" for a period of time - a week, a month, two years - but he would always end up caving to the cigarette demon.

Recently, Beosig said he would quit in exchange for a guitar. I don't understand the logic there - watching his grandfather die from complications with emphysema didn't convince him, but a guitar did? Go figure. Alas I digress. I was elated with this idea even though the guitar was not my most favorite idea in the world. It's worth a shot just for the chance.

All was going along smoothly until last night. Both of us were on edge at the thought of being stuck in the house yet again over a weekend and one thing led to another and pushed both of us over the edge. Beosig stormed off as he seems to like to do lately instead of facing the situation at hand. I tried to convince him to stay but the last words I heard were "I don't want to be here right now because of you.". Uh, ouch, right? Well, you guessed it, he was off to go buy some more cigarettes and smoke again.

I just don't understand it. I don't think I ever will. Why blow what you've been working on for the last 5 weeks? Needless to say this made me VERY upset and I lost it completely. I was actually so mad I was physically shaking, my heart was pounding and I swear there was a little bit of adrenaline running through my veins as I yelled at him about how stupid his actions were. How I expected something better out of him...other things that escape my mind.

I don't yell much - I hate my voice like that. Besides, when I get that upset I lose my words before they get to my mouth. I tend to forget the speech I have composed and read over and over in my mind. Still, it surprised me that he stood there on the stairs looking right into my eyes and took it without question, and without rebuttals as if he knew he had it coming and it was the price he had to pay. I don't know if I made a difference, and I doubt I did, but I felt a little bit better.

There is an episode of Friends where Chandler starts smoking again and nothing his friends tell him convinces him to quit. Then one day at the coffee house the boyfriend of one of the friends speaks to him on the phone and he says how he never thought about it that way, snuffs out the cigarette and presumably never lights up again. What I wouldn't give to know what was said on the other end of that phone - the money I would pay for that one statement. *sigh*